Narcissism – Transform self love into empathy August 16, 2023 by Riston We are all, to some degree, narcissists. The difference between a person having a healthy level of self love and what we normally label as ‘narcissist’ are qualities such as having an incoherent sense of self and viewing others as self-objects. Deep narcissism is, in essence, a solipsistic view of reality where everyone else is merely a means to an end, and are by implication just extensions of the self. People with healthy levels of self love are capable of empathizing with other people and do not require constant external validation in order to maintain their sense of self. Empathy is, to a large extent, the ability to recognize the humanity in other people. It is the ability to view other persons in the same light we ultimately view ourselves, as ends and not as means. It’s a process and way of relating to others, as well a skill that must be developed. The cultivation of empathy is key to transforming oneself from a dysfunctional state of self-absorption to a predisposition of healthy narcissism. There are four components to the skillset of empathy: Empathic Attitude – It is important to remember that people are ends, and that what we know of them from appearances and the social facade they don are only a part of a much larger ‘self’. Paradoxically, in order to fully appreciate the humanity of others requires that we have a clear and honest sense of and respect for ourselves, neither engaging in feelings of superiority or inferiority. Visceral Empathy – The most common empathic skill that people are familiar with, this involves being able to relate to what another person is feeling, a process of emotional attunement. This form of empathy is encapsulated in the colloquialism “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes”, and requires seeing things from another person’s emotional point of view. Analytic Empathy – The more you know about a person, specifically their values, preferences, and background, the more likely you are to empathize with that person. Varied, in-person relationships offer the opportunity to learn a great deal about people, and this will often translate to greater empathy for that person. To encourage more empathy in day-to-day interactions, attempt to avoid rash judgements and to learn more about the people you are dealing with. The Empathic Skill – the skill of empathy requires consistent practice to develop. Asking questions (discreetly) following an internal observation of behaviors and cues will help you to understand if you are advancing this skill. By honing your empathy, you will be far more adept at navigating social circumstances with ease. Below are four common types of narcissists: The Complete Control Narcissist – Joseph Stalin – These types are really good at forming fast but shallow relationships. They tend to be extremely ambitious, but are equally insecure. They are great at charming their victims, and providing a chummy feel, but always immediately proceed to exercize aloofness in order to not let anyone too close. They are highly subject to paranoia, and tend to develop into micromanagers. Best to avoid these types as much as possible. The Theatrical Narcissist – Jeanne de Belciel – These types crave constant attention, and are great at staging performances that will attract it. They generally try to make constant, grandiose displays of virtue, or perpetually churn from one victimizing circumstance to the next making a display of their victimhood. These types are always on display for public consumption, even in their most intimate relationships. Recognizing and seeing through their facade is the best strategy for avoiding getting caught up in their drama. The Narcissistic Couple – Leo Tolstoy & Wife – While Tolstoy had traits characteristic of deep narcissism, this case is more demonstrative of relationship dynamics. When both parties in a relationship fail to try to understand the value systems of the other, both will tend to retreat more internally and never achieve or lose all sense of empathy in the bond. A commitment to understanding the other person’s needs and values is what helps to offset this dynamic. The Healthy Narcissist – Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton – While “healthy narcissism” may seem to be a bit of an odd term, it’s likely the best we can hope for. The degree of empathy and self-confidence necessary to attain this level are the necessary components of true leadership. Understanding the general values, motivations, and predisposition of the people around you will enable you to more effectively motivate them towards a common goal. This mostly means being able to listen and understand the other’s point of view. Also worth mentioning is a relationship between the concept of narcissism and that of Appearance Bias, where not taking individuals entirely at face value is an indispensable mindset for successfully identifying deep narcissists and minimizing the potential risk of getting caught in their web – either through skillful social navigation or complete avoidance. Recognizing appearance bias serves a dual function of helping one to cultivate real empathy with other persons. I do not ask how the wounded person feels, I myself become the wounded person.Walt Whitman
Irrationality – Mastery of the Emotional Self August 9, 2023 by Riston Humans are often referred to as the “rational animal”, but often as individuals, and especially in groups, we tend to act based on completely irrational ideas. Absent a real sense of self-reflexivity and exacting honesty, we are prone to indulge completely irrational impulses based not on a clear understanding of objective reality, but instead on personal prejudice and faulty, unexamined information. Our emotions are a powerful force in our lives that should not be repressed or completely discounted, but they are extremely fallible and often excited by perceptive stimuli which are shaded by conditioning or previously adopted faulty interpretations of events. Humans have through evolution traded the reliable instincts naturally enjoyed by other animals for the capacity to exercise the primary virtues of reason: understanding, judgement, and reasoning. The problem with this trade off in our current state is that these higher faculties of mind require some degree of training, and individuals and populations who lack the requisite training to properly exercise these faculties breeds a plethora of problems in terms of decision making. The problem becomes a catch-22: our instincts or often unreliable and sometimes shaded by prejudice and the belief that we are acting reasonably, which in turn augments the illusions that we are making rational choices. Many are caught in a no-man’s land of bias and fallacy, and have both the faculties of mind and the innate senses are clashing to generate faulty decisions that are built on the mental equivalents of cross-talk and phase cancellation. The good news is that these problems and biases can be mitigated through the application of self-awareness, self-reflection, and an earnest quest for greater understanding and truly accepting the fact that one is fallible and thus may be wrong. One’s perceptions are distorted not only by childhood and past prejudices instilled by culture, but also in the present by cultural agents such as government and media (propaganda). Here are strategies that can aid us in mitigating our irrationality: Step one is to become aware of the biases present in ourselves and others. They are almost always distorted by the pleasure principle, a natural predisposition for humans, and below are a few of the most common varieties of cognitive bias: Confirmation Bias – facilitates the illusion of acting rationally, when that isn’t the case. Conviction Bias – the idea that believing in something enough can make it true. Appearance Bias – the belief that we can take people and things at face value. Group Bias – the proclivity to unknowingly believe that all our ideas are arrived at on our own. Blame Bias – we like to believe we learn from our mistakes, but often point the finger. Superiority Bias – our tendency to think we are better in character to everyone else. Step two is to become aware of inflaming factors. What are situations and triggers that spark you to make irrational decisions? A few such factors are: Trigger points from Childhood – Abandonment is a common feature here. Many of these issues tend to revolve around distant or narcissistic parents who imprint negative emotional patterns. Sudden Gains or Losses – The highs of gain and the depression of lows can serve as a roller coaster effect on the emotions, and subsequently decision-making. Both scenarios require objectivity in evaluating next-steps. Rising Pressure – when faced with extreme pressure (i.e. a tight work deadline), we are at risk of making rash or rushed decisions. Again a degree of detached objectivity is what’s required here. Inflaming Individuals – There are just certain people who get under our skin, who tend to always throw us off balance. Try to maintain distance, and de-mythologize their persona/facade. The Group Effect – emotional states tend to be amplified in crowds which facilitate an ephemeral, motive effect on its members (often referred to as ‘egregores’ in occult circles). Sometimes these entities can be useful, to a point, but never allow oneself to get so swept up in these emotional states that you relinquish your humanity, your reasoning powers and moral compass to groupthink and egregores. Step three is to engage in strategies that encourage the reasoning powers: Know thyself – This injunction was inscribed at the temple of Apollo in Delphi. This maxim can be interpreted and applied in many ways, but most important to the context of this writing it means to constantly evaluate one’s prejudices, impulses, and motivations in how they may shade one’s perceptions of the world, and therefore influence one’s decisions. While there are deterministic factors that are key ingredients of what makes us who we are, we have the capacity to play an active role in creating our future selves through altering our actions, beliefs, and perceptions. Self-forming action can only occur when we engage in brutal honesty with ourselves about our motivations and conditioned perceptions. Examine your emotions to their roots – continuing from the above maxim to “know thyself”, we should not allow our emotions to govern our decisions without first taking into account the origin and nature of these emotions. Are we making a rash decision based soley on emotions triggered by some previous trauma? The amygdala and limbic system serve valuable functions, but these cognitive pathways can become distorted through trauma (PTSD is an extreme example). We should not cut ourselves off from emotions, which do often hold innate wisdom, but we do need to do our best to take a moment to reflect on their origin so that we aren’t giving the past undue influence on our decision-making. Increase your reaction time – Most poor choices are often rushed decisions. Generally speaking a moment of reflection can save us from years of grief. Every effort should be made to increase reaction time to a capacity which allows for a modicum of self-reflection. Operating on knee jerk assumptions and automated, reflexive responses will inevitably increase the degree of chaos in our lives. Accept people as facts – People are ends, not means. Each person also has their own sets of biases, conditions, and values that make them unique, their own motives and ambitions. Being a bit more understanding of people can help to make the best decisions when dealing with others. Find the optimal balance of thinking and emotions – referenced in point two above, we shouldn’t try to completely divorce our emotions and thoughts, but ultimately we do need to rely on the “regulator” to ensure we’re neither operating purely on cold logic or emotional impulse. Love the Rational – Again, far from “Mr. Spock” stereotypes of the cold, isolated logical mindset that most in modern times equate with “rationality”, the rational is what maintains real order in the world. It is what enables us to exercise both judgement and discernment in matters ranging from art to human relations to philosophic and scientific inquiry. It is the basis of true social harmony, morality, and understanding. “Trust your feelings!”- but feelings are nothing final or original; behind feelings there stand judgements and evaluations which we inherit in the form of … inclinations, aversions… The inspiration born of a feeling is the grandchild of a judgement-and often a false judgement! – and in any event not a child of your own! To trust one’s feelings- means to give more obedience to one’s grandfather and grandmother and their grandparents than to the gods that are in us: our reason and our experience.Friedrich Nietzsche